Still, Surreal, and Chocolate

I just hopped onto my blog searching for some info on my Lyrica dosage and weight, as I’m about to go see my LLMD/rheumatologist, whom I haven’t seen in almost a year. While sorting through the mess in my room, asking myself why on Earth I don’t actually file important info like my old labs so I don’t have to hunt for them, I came across a receipt from my neurologist’s office, from May. With it was a RX for Lyrica, 150mg, 4 times a day – a total of 600mg a day.

I remember getting it.

I remember at the time, I was on  225mg twice a day, for a total of 450mg a day.

I remember adding one of my leftover 150mg capsules to my already filled med boxes, which brought me up to 600mg a day, the target dose.

But I can’t remember what happened after that.

Why didn’t I get the RX filled? Was it because I couldn’t tolerate the 600mg a day dosage? Had my PCP nixed the 600mg a day dosage?

A lot was happening in May & June, so maybe it just got missed. But I’m usually so careful with my meds. I usually know what I’m taking better than the doctors do. It bothers me that I can’t remember. A lot.

But as I was reading through my June blog posts looking for a clue, I re-read a post I wrote called “The Stranger In The Mirror.”

Of the 107 posts on my blog, I think it is one of the most revealing, the most poignant, the most touching. Maybe it was too revealing, too personal.

It brought a great sense of stillness inside to re-read it, and know I’m still there, at that place. Only a little bit more so. Three pounds more so – my weight has continued to drop, and I’m now 119# and struggling to keep it from dropping more. Struggling to eat enough calories just to maintain my weight.

Last Thursday, I stood in Walgreen’s with Rhiannon, while she encouraged me to buy chocolate.

It was surreal.

I’m sure she thought she was being really subtle about it, saying she was craving chocolate.

But we’d just come from the PCP, who expressed her concern about my weight loss, and said if I didn’t stop the downward slide that she was going to have to “do a major work-up.” I found it slightly amusing as she said it in a somewhat threatening tone, trying to impress upon me the need to eat eat eat & so avoid whatever the “major work-up” would entail.

But I’m not easily scared by medical procedures anymore. I lost my fear of needles, blood draws, scans & MRI’s & EKG’s & EEG’s & all the rest of that crap a long time ago.

How very far I’ve come.

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I was going to call you tonight…

Mom, but you know, it just sucks to be me, sometimes. I was having a hard time waking up, so took some of my meds and laid back down, which I often do. Went back to sleep. Then the meds came back up in the most vile, burning burning fire bile I have ever experienced. Of course, I had to swallow them back down, too.

They burned me going both up and down, and now I’m so hoarse, and it hurts extremely to talk, it even hurts to breath, the air passing over it. I did of course use lots of tums, sucked on them to soothe it, and also took calcium capsules, which help, ate yogurt, which seemed to help neutralize it a little. Then wound up with cough drops that I’m still sucking on.

In other news, we got really slammed with the wind and rain last night. I have to go check the pot on the deck, but I’m sure it was at least two inches. It sounded worse than when the hurricane came through. I was up all night listening to the sound of all the things crashing around, then noticed a noise in the living room and found we have a slight leak near the fireplace. I’m not surprised, as hard as it was raining, and the roof is getting older.

It didn’t do much beyond a little drip now and then.

*sigh* I’m tired and going to take a nice long rest. Hope your headache has passed!

Kasha Visits the Vet

Kasha made it to the Vet today, tail wagging the entire way – this is one happy pup when she gets to go out. With Shunka, I was always afraid he was going to eat somebody when he was at home, but when he went to the vet, he became a sniveling lapdog – hated the vet, hated the visit, terrified.

Not so, Kasha. Maybe because she spent so much time in a shelter, and it reminds her of there, and nothing too bad happened to her there. She got used to meeting lots of new people. Properly socialized, as Mr Milan would say.

So, the vet has put her on four more weeks of antibiotics. Hopefully this will get those nasty Lyme. They are usually easier to treat in dogs than in people.

Thank the Goddess for small miracles. Like the beautiful sunrise in the WEST this morning. I can’t see the east horizon – too many trees – but the west is easy. I guess the sun was very red as it rose, because as I watched, the mountains emerged from the darkness and were soon bathed in deep rose light at the horizon, fading upwards through shades of purple and deep blues. It got brighter and more intensely colored as I watched, amazed. Thankful.

Now I think about it, I should have taken a picture. But you don’t necessarily think about such things at 7 in the morning, when you aren’t a morning kind of person. But I’d been asleep since 5pm the day before…