This Particular Aspie

I am an Aspie.

You might define this as high functioning autism.

I don’t have a disorder.

I am not defective.

I don’t want to be what you call “normal” and I call neurotypical (NT).

I couldn’t change into an NT anyway, anymore than a leopard can change it’s spots.

I am simply wired differently.

I need you to understand some things about how I experience life.

Do not think that because I’ve known I’m an Aspie for a whopping 8 years that I’m able to behave in the way an NT does, or that I can now understand NTs. It doesn’t work like that.

I have worn masks my whole life, pretending to be something I’m not, and failing absolutely and at a great cost.

Now I know I’m just different. I’m not hiding anymore.

Do not criticize me for not being “normal.” From my point of view, you are the one who is not normal!

When I feel “pushed,” frustrated by your lack of understanding or respect for my viewpoint, or too stressed in a situation, and I stop talking or turn away, you need to understand that I am going into a self-protective withdrawal.

Antagonizing me into continuing the discussion is extremely painful for me, and may lead to a meltdown and/or a shutdown.

It may take me days to recover.

Sometimes, when that happens, everything goes silent and very, very still in my mind. I may have difficulty even understanding speech.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve gone feral, as I watch you from my hidden place, with fierce defiance, shying away from any contact.

Sometimes I feel like my Feral Self is my truest Self, and I should just let myself relax into my feralness, my wildness, and that utterly still and quiet mind. But I don’t know if I’d want to come back.

Sometimes I want to run away. Sometimes I don’t think I can stand being an Aspie surrounded by neurotypicals any longer.

If you need another way to think about this, try this:

We are both computers. Neurotypicals are Macs. Aspies are Windows PC’s.

Try to run some Apple software on a PC, and it’s not going to work. At first, it just might be rejected.

Be persistent, and it might crash the PC.

Keep on pushing it, and you’ll get the dreaded blue screen of death.

Need I go on?

So. Here are some more of my favorite memes about being an Aspie. I haven’t the energy to edit them.

Thanks for reading.

Thanks even more for trying to understand.

(This is part of my Asperger’s Section)

Advertisements