Just for Tonight, And Maybe Tomorrow

Note: This is not the post I’ve been meaning to finish, the deep & touching one. That will come when it will…

“Brown hair zig-zag around her face and a look of half-surprise
Like a fox caught in the headlights, there was animal in her eyes…”

“Oh she was a rare thing, fine as a bee’s wing
So fine a breath of wind might blow her away
She was a lost child, oh she was running wild
She said, ‘As long as there’s no price on love, I’ll stay.
And you wouldn’t want me any other way”

          – Beeswing by Richard Thompson

Just for tonight, and maybe tomorrow,
I quit.

Just for tonight, and maybe tomorrow,
I’m going to be the person I was born to be.
The wild child who ran barefoot through the Forest,
The sapling Ash,
The dryad in training.

Just for tonight, and maybe tomorrow,
The trash can wait,
And the worries, too,
As I slip out from under responsibilities
And stress
And sickness
That threaten to drown me.

Just for tonight, and maybe tomorrow,
I’m gonna hold a bright leaf green stone,
And be young & free again,
Running wild through the forest in my mind.
Listening to the wind & scenting the rain,
But I refuse to be swamped by the migraine.

Just for tonight, and maybe tomorrow,
I’m gonna take enough meds to cancel out the pain.
Grey-streaked hair washed & finally clean again,
I cut it with abandon.
Silver-brown hair zig-zags around my face,
Curls over the tops of shoulders.

Just for tonight, and maybe tomorrow,
I refuse to be M.E.,
I’m gonna be me again,
The person I was born to be.
I’m gonna hold a bright leaf green stone,
Running wild through the forest in my mind.

“Oh she was a rare thing, fine as a bee’s wing
And I miss her more than ever words could say
If I could just taste all of her wildness now
If I could hold her in my arms today 
Well I wouldn’t want her any other way.”

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12 thoughts on “Just for Tonight, And Maybe Tomorrow

  1. Ash, this brought tears to my eyes, it is SO very beautiful! So heartfelt & I truly understand the words you live daily with the life of chronic illness. You are so gifted despite health issues & being able to write what is in your heart cleanses it & your yearning soul. Big hugs to you, my friend. Thank you for sharing your gift of beautiful writing.

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    • Thank you, Dale! Was just listening to “Beeswing” again and saw your lovely comment. Now I’m going to lay down with my green stone, a smile on my face because of your kindness. *hugs* blessings, and good night!

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  2. This brought tears to my eyes too when I read it. I am sleepless–again–in the middle of the night and feeling a great need to escape the pain for a while and go back to myself again. Thank you. I needed the cleansing tears.

    Patricia

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    • I was nocturnal a very, very long time – adrenal stress syndrome in action. I’ve reverted back to a slightly more normal schedule, though only after nearly dying from central sleep apnea (CNS depression caused by meds). I well remember the sleepless nights, and still have them occasionally.
      I hope the tears were the good kind, the cleansing, and releasing, kind. I was just so very angry when I wrote it, after a few very stressful days & migraines that just would *not* stop for days. I’m no poet, but it helped to put it out there. I don’t think I could do this without being able to write things out. Blogging saves my sanity quite often.

      Many thanks for reading, and warm, gentle hugs.

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  3. “Listening to the wind and scenting the rain…” I remember that and what about being the only person (or so it seemed) daring to be outside right when it was going to thunderstorm-the change in the air pressure didn’t make my right eye explode out of my head-it just made me feel like I was connected to Gaia-and then the living electricity making the air fairly buzz, you feeling it as well-and then all the odd colors and shadows-greenish black clouds, the ominous feeling of the wind gradually picking up-almost in a sneaky way-and I know that you were like me-not afraid, just very very alive—sorry your words always touch me so deeply-they trigger so much

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    • You write so beautifully, Dawn. Yes, I remember, and am still a little that way, though it’s as you so aptly described – my right eye exploding out of my head, or both, or the crushing pain, or the feeling like someone has connected a pressure hose to my head & its going to explode out my ears & eyes at the same time!
      I love watching Rhiannon when the rain is coming, and especially storms, watching her feed off the energy in the air. And she *loves* to dance in the rain… remember that?
      *gentle hugs* & much love…

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  4. I used to love to write poetry, but brainfog slowly stopped that. There was a time I wanted to be a songwriter & the words would flow no matter where I was. I’ve had writer’s block for 20 yrs. now. Lol. Continue your beautiful writing Ash, it is really cathartic, & certainly beautiful the way you write. Hugs to you.

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    • It’s funny with me. Sometimes, the words just form in my mind, whole sentences, paragraphs, etc, and I have no choice in the matter – it’s write or listen to them repeated endlessly. Sometimes, I go back and read things, and have no real memory of having written them. Sitting down & writing a book would be impossible, almost, because I have no control over the writing process.

      And I think that’s okay. When I do write or edit because I have something half finished, I’m never satisfied with it, really.

      The other thing about writing is its companion, reading. I used to live off books, I hungered for them, and positively inhaled them. Sometimes i’d read a couple hundred pages a night of a good novel.

      But I can’t do that anymore. I can’t remember what I’ve read well enough, or keep track of characters, or who did what. I have tried reading, then re-reading, but I still lose it. I think its one of the things I miss most. The simple pleasure of losing myself in a story, in another world, another life.
      Just when I need it the most.

      *soft hugs*

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  5. I fully understand. The time you would like to immerse yourself the most in something to take your mind off of everything & you can’t. I have a zillion magazines for the same reason as I can’t read bks. either. I don’t read them either & just need to throw them into the recycle bin, but not before I pull all the recipes out that I will never have the energy to cook! Lol. Well, at least you are able to get the words out onto paper, even if you don’t remember writing them down.

    I will have a line come into my head & before I can get to a paper & pen, it is gone. Hugs friend.

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