I am NOT me!

I am so not me. This thing that I’ve become, that my body has become, this is NOT me! And I’ve just discovered I’m really angry about that!

Have to give it to the Methadone – yeah, it was great at blocking the pain. Methadone is used in chronic pain patients because it does not make you high like other narcotics. But what I do think it did do was make me numb… and numb-er… to the state of my life, my lack of a life, my nonexistent quality of life.

Now I’m almost free of it, the Methadone – and in withdrawal from dropping it from 5mg to 2.5mg a day. Given I was at 50mg you’d think there wouldn’t be much withdrawal but there is. And withdrawal always means raging emotions.

Mostly, there’s anger.

My mom has always said I’ve complained less than anyone else would about being chronically ill. Maybe that’s true. Maybe because I was numb.

I never thought it would last this long. I got sick in Dec. 1998. Do the math.

It’s eaten up, this illness has eaten, devoured, almost 12 years of my life.

Gone. Life, real life,  stopped when I got sick.

This is me, the real me:

By My Pickup - Maybe 1986 or so?

Weaving, 1987

Me & Zabe the Wolf

Christmas, 1991, With My Brother

And this one, this one is really, really me – my fav pic ever. I had just finished racing bareback across the pasture several times with my beloved Standardbred mare, Cherokee. One of the happiest moments of my life:

Me & Cherokee, about 1988

I used to be strong. I rode horses, could lift a bale of hay with ease, carry 40# bags of dog food up a crazy steep hill to the house, hike or ski or ride for hours…

But this me I am now, always worried about the weather causing migraines, or being too tired to make it through an entire grocery run, my back hurting too bad to even sweep the floor, never able to make plans because I never know how I’ll feel on a given day…

This is most assuredly not me.

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4 thoughts on “I am NOT me!

  1. I am so glad I am finally getting my daughter back. Little by little. I know you miss doing all the things you love doing. When you are better, you will be a much wiser person and life will be more precious. You will appreciate every moment of just feeling well enough to do the things you like doing with your daughters etc. I feel like you are well on your way to recovery.
    Be patient with the next few weeks. Know that I am always here for you as long as I possibly can be.

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  2. One of the things that makes me saddest is that Rhiannon doesn’t have any real memories of me when I was well. Her memories are all of a sick, frail mother who is mostly in bed all the time, and worrying about me dying.

    I’m really glad we went on so many cruises & I got to do so much with her that way, before that became out of reach. But she was so young then…

    I may have dragged Terra through the hell of multiple divorces & moves, but at least her life was full of adventures – having the wolves, living rough, the sheep & goats & horses… Rhiannon has been stuck at home taking care of a sick mom, never able to go & do the things she wants to do.

    Have to get Rhia to the eye doctor, get her learners permit, and then her license so she doesn’t have to be trapped at home all the time.

    *sigh*

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  3. I love you pix, Kelly! That’s the real you, absolutely! And you are so lucky to have your mom around the way she is, so supportive, the two of you getting along. Can’t say the same for my mom. I think i still feel as much animosity towards her now as I did in high school. the lesson there for me, at least, is how I want my kids to feel towards me. I think I’m more understanding of them than my mom ever was or is, of me.

    And you mom is right, you will be wiser when you’re better. And everything we do in life makes us who we are now, it’s what we do with it which makes us a better person or not. And I see, as I always have, that you take what is given you and make the best of it (maybe not immediately…. 🙂 )

    Anyway, that’s what I keep telling myself right now!

    I’m looking forward to the time when we can make plans. Know that I understand and I know that the day will come when we can get together!

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  4. Thank you, Kelly.
    You’re very right about my mom. She’s picked me up & dusted me off more times than I can count! We weren’t always so close, as I’m sure you remember… it took time for me to mature enough to see that family is really one of the most important things in life.

    We used to say “Men come & men go, but your family is always there.” And my mom has always been there for me, even when we didn’t get along so great.

    It took time & talking & shared experiences… but eventually we became the close friends we are now – not just mother/daughter. I’m sad to hear that you don’t have the same support & rapport with your mom.

    My dad & I didn’t talk at all for years, but I eventually made a business trip to Florida & spent a little time with him. I suppose you could say we’re reconciled, but we don’t communicate much. I often feel like we’re strangers.

    I doubt that will change much.

    But I am sooooo thankful for my mom & how caring & supportive she’s been. I couldn’t do it without her.

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